Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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