Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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