my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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