she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Randomize
