Dude my mom stole all your condoms
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
