i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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