I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
