I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Thank you for not boning my boss.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
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