i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Randomize