Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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