remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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