we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
