I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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