my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
