Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
You may now shotgun with the bride
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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