I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
being pregnant is like rehab
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Randomize
