im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
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