Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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