So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Randomize
