How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I think I won the penis lottery.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
