sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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