I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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