Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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