Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
