my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
