i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
