nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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