So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Randomize
