My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Randomize
