I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I'm just crazy horny about you
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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