I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
