My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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