We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
