omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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