I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
