I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Randomize
