I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
