this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
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