The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
