Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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