just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I deserve to be covered in dicks
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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