I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
