70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Randomize
