Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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