look no pants
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
