i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
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