I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
