i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize