I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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