I met the friendliest cop last night
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
