you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
