i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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