I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
