I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
You ate ashes out of my bong
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
