Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
