ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
