I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
