For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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