If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
