just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Randomize
