you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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