apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
