If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Randomize
