We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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